Monday, May 19, 2014
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I'm just so sad and heartbroken. Scattered the bones fragments and cremated remains of my godma into the sea today. Now she is officially out of the world. Couldn't stop crying whenever I look at her portrait ,tried my best to just sob in silence because I was told that the deceased will not be able to move on to the other world well if the kin kept on crying. 3 months ago,I still went to her house for CNY visiting and 3 months later,I am actually holding her bones. Grieve. I attended the funeral really early today and little Ashley just kept on bothering people around her, asking for her 姨婆 but none of the adults have the mood to entertain her at all. I cannot bear to see the little one being ignored so I told her that her 姨婆 will be making a fun trip to Mandai (where the cremation is held) and then to Changi sea but she told me she want to join the fun too. Its really heart wrenching, and I guess paper can never wrap up a fire because soon after she learnt about her death of her 姨婆, she just couldn't stop crying at all. Just dig out my heart for god sake cos if I have to experience so much grieve,I would rather have my heart dug out. I have never been so heartbroken before but it really pain me to see the young one crying. My heart is totally crushed into pieces. I could feel a rising bile in my throat ALL THE TIME when I converse with the little children (Danish, Daniel, Isabel, Ashley) because I TRIED really hard not to shed any tears so as not to affect their mood too. Can't bear to see the sight of them crying, if its possible, just pile all their sadness on top of mine.I thought its really harsh for them to know about death so soon when they are just 6 or 7 years old.
Perhaps I need to learn how to let my sadness out and confide in friends around me but to be honest, before blogging this out, regarding my nanny's death, making frequent trips to the hospital and attending the funeral yada yada, there were only 3 people around me who knew about this. It's not that I want to keep this as a top secret but I just felt that its pointless to announce this to the whole world. And really,I don't know who will be reading my blog but do me a favour by not asking if I am alright because you will put me in a spot whereby I absolutely have no idea how to reply to that question. Thanks.
I'm really exhausted but I know I am better than this.