I haven't been updating much in this space because I'm really out of breath. Job aside, hall stuffs aside. Feeling really upset and moody these few days. Typing this post with a heavy heart,4 hours later I have to attend the wake and do the duty that I have to...be in the mourning outfit,walk behind the band and the hearse containing the coffin adorned with the portrait, attend the cremation,scattering of the ashes into the sea. I'm not yet matured enough to handle all these alone by myself and I'm really angry with my parents for going overseas twice in a month and nobody is there is to teach me how to conduct myself properly or behave during the wake. It's my first time and I have to do this alone. My dad just handed me a sum of $1k enclosed in a white envelope and told me to hand it to the her son. What the hell, please don't entrust this huge sum of SOLID CASH in the hands of a 20 year old...I can't. I'm pissed off. Yet again, my parents REALLY deserve a good vacation, told myself not to be angry with them since nobody expected death plus they have been working really hard to provide for the family,they need the overseas trip. Been making a lot of trips down to khoo teck puat hospital just to do some small routines like massaging her limbs, wiping her face and chatting with her (even though its not a two way chat). And EVERY trip I made,the first thing I will do is to call out to her "Ah ma, do you know who I am? I am Ah xuan..how are you? (mandarin)". Every reply i got is a blur stare and a head shake. They say that as long as the cancerous cells spread to her brain,she will absolutely lose all her memory and she will not remember anything and death follows. The irony is that even when she couldn't recognise me at all, she can actually pant and urge me to go home at 10pm every time the hospital announce visitors to leave after the visitng hours. Got to know from her son that all along, she pretended not to remember me because she didn't want me to feel upset and heartbroken with the state she was in. I was only told this after her death. Just last Tuesday, I visited her in the afternoon and left in the evening to head back hall to clear the last bit of my belongings back home but I received call (just when I reached home and was about to have my dinner) from my dad that the doctor has switched off the life support machine as her time is up. He told me don't bother to rush down to the hospital because I absolutely can't make it in time but he didn't know that I actually changed my mind and was actually in Woodlands instead of Pioneer. Tried my best to rush down to ktp to at least see her for the last few seconds, so glad to have make it in time before the doctor officially pronounce her death. Sometimes I just felt that I am a real failure,I couldn't actually say all the things I wanted to say and instead I only told her this "啊妈,你安心地走" I am not a sentimental person but I know this isn't an excuse for me to say more things...What's up with my ego that hold me back from saying more things that I know I am capable of. Screw myself seriously. And earlier on, I attended her funeral, couldn't bring myself to look at her portrait whenever I bow to her with the joss sticks in my hands. Everytime I look at it,I felt so awful and it just makes me wanna cry. I am actually of such great significance in her heart. I'm not even related to her by blood yet my position of sending her off for her last journey is equivalent to a daughter's position since she has no daughters at all. And on a side note, some people are just INSENSITIVE, coming to the funeral to eye on any possible 4 digits in sight to buy for lotteries. Fancy them discussing about those digits loudly. Pardon my language, I'm probably too emotional right now or I'm just being crude by nature but really, those people really need to shut the fuck up and leave man. And religious beliefs...they're just pointless. When your time is up, ITS UP, NO USE chanting all the buddhist chants or seeking help from the lord with a bible. I just don't want to practice a faith anymore, what's the point. God can just take people away,by all means. Anyway, for anybody who read my blog, I'm alright. Quit asking me if I am because what do you expect me to reply? Do you expect me to slit my wrist or force sleeping pills down my throat? Life goes on, so just take it that I am alright. I am just so upset. I need some time alone to grieve over this death. I can't do this alone and I hope my parents are with me because I am really really tired of handling this all by myself.
